emotion

I caught a ride to Cologne

I said,

I caught a ride to Cologne and indeed am not going back to Berlin tonight.

It just was starting to feel bad to me to be there — stagnant, a little depressive — which I didnʼt totally realize until I felt almost euphoric walking through a dark forest in the rain on Friday night, trying to find Cedar’s hotel by foot because I didnʼt want to wait for the bus or pay for a taxi.

I still donʼt know what Iʼm doing here, but I do know that I was kind of at a standstill there — not writing, not learning — and that to go backward would be the wrong thing for the momentum Iʼm trying to build.

If you still feel like sex clubbing without me, Kit Kat Club is open tonight and tomorrow.

But I don’t think theyʼll let you in with your flip flops.

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I am on a nude beach up the coast

I said,

I am at a nude beach up the coast from Barcelona

Crying naked among strangers is…weird

But good

Two separate and very sweet young men have come up to help me with the sunscreen on my back

No lechery at all

Their penises dangling unobtrusively around my ear or so

Then gone back to their girlfriends on their beach blankets

It was so lovely, the neighborliness

Also being touched

Here is my tushie

[I sent her a picture]

— I think — the sun is fucking up my photographic discernment

So it could be someone else’s tushie

But I’m pretty sure it’s mine.

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