consciousness

almost-total solitude

May 20 / København

I said,

Already Iʼve lapsed into the insanity of someone whoʼs gone from a too-social existence to almost-total solitude

The truth is I am terrified at all times, and to pretend that all I notice is the sunshine and beer and new friends is the only answer I know.

(Although maybe thatʼs exactly whatʼs at the root of such annoying manners at their most manifest, a vain effort to keep the demons of consciousness at bay?)

I slept so badly last night, mostly because of anxiety about getting up in time to do everything necessary in the apartment and be packed and make it to my bus on time, but also I think because Iʼve been on a cocktail of melatonin and some kind of over-the-counter antihistamine to get on this time zone but skipped them last night because I was afraid of oversleeping HOWEVER in the one good, tranquil, unworried hour of sleep I got, I was dreaming about us hiking in the Old World, and it was great.

this episode was written...

into	a text
with	Dirk
from	Denmark
on	anxiety + consciousness + dreams + friendship + hiking + paradigm + pharmacology + sleep + solitude

almost-total solitude Read More »

I have been carrying White Noise

July 1 / Île d'Oléron

I said,

I have been carrying White Noise since Brooklyn

And Iʼm not sure if Iʼm not finishing it because I donʼt feel like reading it or because I donʼt feel like reading at all or because I do feel like reading, and badly, and Iʼm afraid of what will happen when I finish it

She said,

Donʼt donʼt donʼt read it right now

The world is falling apart

I said,

But is it?

I’m trying to imagine a future in which our capacity for happiness is less than it currently is

Are we standing in a bread line?

Am I dead of infection from a coat-hangering?

Lice?

Is everyone we know and don’t drowned in the rising sea?

It’s easy for me—with my sunburn and sack of discount bruised apricots and only a vague uneasiness at how the friendly fisherman affirm, to each other, “Juif” after I introduce myself—to be like, Everything is fiiiiine

But, like, everything is not fine

It’s terrible

It always will be, in various ways, and as things change, we will make changes, and we will go on

I don’t know what else to say

I’m not saying don’t care

But, like, run for office

OR find a way to keep enjoying the new and increasingly horrific world orders

As much as you’re capable of enjoying anything

I am the engineer of a small-scale sea snail Holocaust

My knapsack is soaked in their seawater, which leaked from the olive box while, presumably, I biked home, but my journal is dry

Yesterday Sylka told me that her mother — 90 or 95 years old, I guess — had a dream about telling me, Rachel, remember me

I guess I will

Anyway, I promised I would

this episode was written...

into	a text
with	Jean
from	France
on	agency + books + consciousness + death + dreams + existence + fear + future + memory + paradigm

I have been carrying White Noise Read More »