my voice is falling into disuse

She said, 

Are you seeing people? Organizing your room? Sitting in a cafe? Sending emails? Exploring? Eating vegan currywurst? 

I said, 

I just got back to the apartment after fucking around in constructive, aid-while-abroad-seeking ways on Facebook for most of the day over two cappuccini and a salad and a piece the vegan bananenbrod with some kind of peanut butter frosting which was EXCELLENT btw at the yes same one not-really-vegan cafe 

Trying to make plans for either tonight or tomorrow with the guy who works there, but he is I think Syrian under his German and so his English is pretty confusing 

Nursing some confusion about What I Should Be Doing Instead 

Feeling almost breathless with loneliness or some other kind of emotional vertigo  

In going through my Facebook friends to see whom else I should tag in my latest plea post, I discovered that this guy I had a mad crush on over my years in Boston with whom things never really got off the ground died in a bike accident four years ago 

When I think about it I get cold all over

I included him on my get out the vote for Clinton email in November 2016 

He’d already been dead for two years

I just redownloaded Tinder, although Iʼm not sure if thatʼs a bad idea or a self-forgiving one 

My voice is falling into disuse 

She said, 

What a swarm of things you must be feeling

I said, 

How can you tell?

A guy who was my immediate bestie on our freshman orientation backpacking trip sixteen years ago just wrote back being like Oh yeah I got sick of New York so a friend and I started an investment bank in Bucharest and for sure you can come stay on my pull-out for a couple of weeks let me look at the calendar 

And Pavel just messaged that he found me a place to stay on Île d’Oléron, which is evidently an island off the Atlantic coast of France, so now this is thoroughly a fairy tale I am unready for

This is very exciting if I can just figure out how to be scared only a non-crippling amount of the time 

I need to go to bed so I can get up and keep trying to move forward in some way even if itʼs not in the BEST way 

She said, 

Get up and do 10 push-ups first thing 

I said, 

Okay I will 

First I will put on a bra because how I look is the most important thing about me 

And then I will do ten pushups 

Eleven, even 

Itʼs weird how I waited for this for so long and then all of a sudden it happened

MARY WEʼRE ALIVE AND ITʼS SO TERRIBLE BUT THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE